Embrace The Suck

Written November 2016

Every new moment your life changes irrevocably from the last; we are a constant generation of novel thoughts, experiences, emotions, and cellular expansion.

Most of the time we're unaware of these changes. At other moments it's laid right in front of us, with our old life slipping through fingers like dry sand.

This picture is from a year ago, the night I watched Bryant get stabbed in the neck by a stranger while we danced with friends.

Can I begin to explain the incongruent nature of how this experience lives in my mind? Words fail to convey meaning to this feeling. We were at a peak of joy together and to have that shattered instantly by a random act of brutal violence surpasses simple descriptive words such as shock or trauma.

He survived. He survived, I survived, but not without what felt like at times an insurmountable amount of pain. To move on required a reconfiguring of who we are as people and a couple.

I wish I could say I'm on the other side of what happened completely healed and transmuted from this experience. It would be nice to mark this occasion with a profound proclamation of positive lessons and how this experience was a stepping-stone to living authentically with myself.

This is true, actually, but I also want to cut the shit and keep it real. What happened was terrible. The realization I couldn't wake up from a nightmare was terrible. The legal proceedings were terrible. The relationship problems were terrible. My numbed, delayed reactions were terrible.

It sucked. Life sometimes sucks, for no better reason than it just does. It's painful. I'm not a proponent of dwelling on pain but I can't escape it either.

So instead I'm going to tell you that while it's not all roses and bunnies over here (it never was), I'm okay. Some days more than okay: joyful, gregarious, excited, and blissfully happy. Some days less than okay: angry, sad, drained, and disoriented.

But most of the time okay and all of the time thankful. Because each moment is a new moment and each new moment is change.

Copyright © 2020 Sophie Nazerian