You are okay even if you don’t feel okay.

Written December 2019

I’m 33. I’ve been annoyed about this birthday because I’m not where I thought I’d be at 33.I’m annoyed because I’m not higher up in a profession and because I’m still not sure exactly what I want for a profession. I’m annoyed because I’m not in a committed partnership and because I don’t have any contenders for it. I’m annoyed because my dream before any other dream was to have 2 babies by this age and because my fertility is statistically likely to sharply decline in 2 years.

Sigh.

Also, I’m happy. I mean, mostly. I’m mostly happy.

8 years ago I said fuck it to the easy path of having these things. Not that I didn’t want them, I didn’t want them with the people, situations, and places I was in. It didn’t feel right.

Then I said fuck it over and over and over again. I’ve left many people, situations, and places since. I came to new people, situations, and places. Then, when I felt like I needed to, I also left all of them.

All the self love and self worth mantras about “choosing yourself” doesn’t prepare you for how much of an asshole you feel about this. And how confusing it is. How can you keep saying No to what you want because it doesn’t “feel right” to you? You wonder if you’re being crazy or impossible or emotionally avoidant.

But. By saying No over and over again you make room in your life for the most fantastic of people, situations, and places. You start to learn to say Yes to that which makes you want to stick around. And as a result of all the forward momentum towards what (and who) feels right, even with all the heartbreaks included, your life becomes an extraordinary experience. There exists a depth of feeling and presence in everything, an “aliveness” that wasn’t there before, which you didn’t know existed before.

Which I didn’t know existed before.

—-

Alan Watts suggested we view our lives as something to dance through rather than journey through, and I ascribe to this even when comparison gets the better of me. I know I am lucky to have wonderful people to get funky with. Thank you for being on the dance floor of this decade of life with me.

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